A huge part of my life story and testimony has to do with my struggles with my older brother growing up. Early in our adolescent years he learned to be cruel with words and intimidation after a trip to Juvenile hall convinced him to stop hitting. The threat of violence never lifted, however.
I eventually left home with a habit of checking my back and locking every door. The first year was peace and freedom, but my experiences caught up with me. The journey to healing from emotional abuse was tougher than I expected. Looking back, there were a lot of things I just didn’t know about healing from abuse – even though I knew I needed to. Here are five things I wish I’d known about healing from emotional abuse:
1. Not everyone will understand what you went through, and that’s okay.
The few times I talked about what was going on, people didn’t seem to understand that siblings can be downright abusive. One woman told me that brothers are supposed to be mean. I thought, “does that include threatening me with a knife and punching holes in walls?” When I was 18, another well meaning young adult said it’s not a good financial idea to move out if my brother wasn’t actively physically harming me. Was I supposed to just live in fear each day that it could be the day he follows through on his threats?
Words and aggressive actions that fall just short of physical contact leave scars of fearfulness and pain as if they landed the blow. That fear leaves some people angry and defensive. Others withdraw and turn inward. People who have never experienced that level of emotional abuse don’t necessarily understand why you can’t just shake it off and move on. They’ve never witnessed or experienced it.
It only takes one person who understands
While many people won’t understand what you are going through / what you went through, all it takes is one person who does understand to help you continue your path to healing. God used one person in particular to help me at the start. She was a mom at my church who had escaped an abusive marriage many years earlier. She immediately recognized what I was going through. So she patiently taught me about healthy boundaries to help me protect myself until I found the courage to move out (at which point I found even more people who understood, including the youth pastor).
2. Healing is not always linear.
The first year of freedom was almost bliss. If you have not known peace for nearly a decade, and suddenly you are dropped into it… you will float on clouds for a good while. Enjoy it. The truth is, you may not magically be ok once you are no longer being abused. That initial freedom is a huge step in healing, but it is not the whole process.
As I entered different life experiences, such as college, independence, and work, my wounds showed up in different ways. One year I overcame my fear of other people. Then I began to experience what I called “an undercurrent of sorrow through my life.” I’d make progress and then develop new struggles. It snowballed into about two years of crippling apathy and excessive eating.
I was confused – I thought God rescued me and healed me and I was supposed to be okay. I felt like I was failing God and living in sin. A wise counselor taught me that sometimes there are multiple layers to healing. You may think you are done, but then you enter a new life experience, a new layer appears, and you simply have to address that one, too.
3. Struggling with your emotional health does not make you a bad Christian
It seems like I am not the only one who mistakenly thought that Christians must be very happy all the time, otherwise they are somehow failing God. Here’s the thing: I think God made us with an incredible capacity for pleasure, happiness, and joy in life. Consequentially, we also have a great capacity for pain and sorrow when we experience suffering. I don’t think that is anything to be ashamed of.
King David knew a lot about loving God and suffering. He wrote a prayer in the Psalms that is deeply relatable:
Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again – my savior and my God!
Psalm 42:11
I prayed that Psalm many times through that long spiritual winter. Yes, I was doing the wrong thing when I chose coping mechanisms that were not pleasing to God. But he honored my choice to keep seeking his help. Over time he helped me overcome it, and therapy played a huge role. Isn’t sanctification a lifelong process? So don’t let the enemy tell you your struggle disqualifies you from following God.
4. It is normal for small things to be overwhelming sometimes.
In the years following my move-out, simple responsibilities sometimes felt like a lot to handle. I felt guilty for not being more capable. This is really silly looking back on it. I accomplished so much by myself because I had no other option. So if you didn’t wash your dishes this week, but you’re living and mostly functioning free from the chaos of abuse, good job.
When your stress-response system is overloaded, you simply don’t have the mental, emotional, or energy resources to approach life the way healthy people do. That’s not an excuse to be lazy or make no effort to move forward, but it is a reason to have grace for yourself. Be patient with yourself as you relearn how to do life.
5. It is possible to have an unhealthy level of obsession over becoming emotionally healthy.
Around 5-6 years after moving out I was doing fairly well. I was freely feeling my emotions and had a healthier relationship with food. Yet, I still followed a bunch of mental health topics and therapists on Instagram. It got to a point where I realized I was obsessing so much over mental health that it was actually detrimental. At that point I had to accept the emotional recovery work I’d done and move on with life.
Just like there are layers of healing, there are layers of life. When we’ve been through hard things, there may be periods of our lives where we have to invest a lot of time and energy into the next layer of healing. In between those times of effort toward healing, we have life to live. You will absolutely carry your incredible story of growth and healing with you through those times. I just think it’s good to let it rest while it can. Life is more than what happened to you.
Disclaimer
I am NOT a mental health professional, so please don’t take this blog post as such. I simply hope that by sharing what I didn’t know ahead of time, that it may be helpful to other believers going through something similar.
If you are in an unsafe situation, please get help. You are made in God’s image. Every person deserves to be treated kindly. In case you need it: Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233
In Summary
Ok, I know this post is kind of a lot! If you can relate, I’m so thankful you are here. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. One day you will look back in awe of everything God brought you through and how much you’ve grown. Until then, these are the things I wish I’d known before the start of my emotional abuse recovery:
- Not everyone will understand what you went through, and that is okay.
- Healing is not always linear.
- Struggling with your emotional health does not make you a bad Christian.
- It is normal for small things to be overwhelming sometimes.
- It is possible to have an unhealthy level of obsession with becoming emotionally healthy.
Thank you very much for reading today. I hope this was helpful. Let me know what you thought in the comments below. And make sure you sign up for my email list so I can keep you updated with all that is happening here at Almost a Walrus.
Peace to you.
